Archive for August 2005

Can you Retire at 20?

August 22, 2005

Alot has been spinning around my head lately. Too much. Like a small whirlwind my mind and feelings churn, wonder what will be left when the rest is blown away…

I miss all the times when I used to leave work and walk all the way home. With music blasting in my ears and eyes watching the sky line, or thinking about some pretty face of a girl I had fallen for. Thinking of how I would heroicly woo said girl. Or perhaps feeling sad because some pretty face was gone, or because I couldn’t be with that pretty face. Those were wonderful times, when I would start off walking and everything would be dark and so would my thoughts, but by the end of my walk I would be staring dreamy eyed at the sky, smiling and hoping for more. Happy.

Everything is so busy, so fast paced. Wheres my moment to just lay in the grass and watch the clouds?

God, I have changed alot in the past year. I have learned a life time, felt a life time, and experienced some of my most beautiful memories as well as most painful and most trying memories.

I have felt a moment where all time stopped. Sitting in a place where I was invincible. A moment when I had to tell a friend that I had failed him, and something monstrous had happened. To feel my self rip apart watching that reaction and try and piece it back together and hold on. A moment waking up in the morning to someone making me breakfast, and saying words that melted my heart and warmed my soul. A moment of letting go of something wonderful, but painful because… well who ever really honestly knows the reasons… A moment of dancing my mind away and drinking my memories to dust. A million moments sooooo many beautiful ones… soooo many painful ones…

But thats what life is, an almost infinite number of moments that could mean the world to you, that could make you feel invincible, or extremely weak, that can make you feel happier than you have ever been, or sadder than you have ever been.

haha and like the spill canvas song I love so much says ‘Heaven’s not a place that you go when you die, its that moment in life when you actually feel alive, so live for the moment and take this advice; live by every word…’ (The Spill Canvas – The Tide)

There is so much that has happened and I look back and think, how wonderful I was. How kind, how innocent, how loving, how hopeful, how bright eyed and dreaming (always was I dreaming), and how honourable.

And Love… I have lost sight of whatever imaginary description I had once decided upon. I remember it used to be some magic thing, something I knew one day I would feel and it would make me invincible and never end. It never ends. Thats true. Its magic. Its wonderful. But theres so many different ways of loving. How in the world are you ever to know when the love you feel is a special one, THE one, the love that your supposed to find or have find you? The strongest of any love you will ever feel?

I have loved a persons touch, I have loved a persons kindness, I have loved a persons innocence, I have loved a persons brilliance, I have loved a person for the ways they made me feel, I have loved a person for the things they showed me, or for the things they taught me, I always love people for the memories they give me, I have loved because they have loved me, I have loved the way a person laughs, I have loved the way a person smiled, I have loved the way a person thought, I have loved the skills a person has possessed, I have loved the way I saw a person, I have loved the way a person kissed me, I have loved the way a person has made love with me, I have loved, I have loved, I have loved. So which, oh which or what is the way you are supposed to know what love is the one thats supposed to remain?

The truth is they all remain, I still love ALL of the things I have ever loved, it never goes away, even if sometimes it would be much easier if it did, or perhaps thats just again, another hollow dream.

And of course ever do I travel in circles with my thoughts…

I remember a friend once told me he was worried because he was falling too hard and to fast for a girl. I told him that you should always just fall as hard and as fast as you can, to throw away all your hesitation and just, if its love, love her fully and completely, without holding anything back. That way you can never have any regrets and if it doesn’t work out, well, you have friends like me to help get you back up all the distance you fell. But one of those times, one of the times you fall like that for the girl, she will catch you, and it will have all been worth it, without any doubt.

Fall hard I said.

Of course, it didn’t work out that time, but maybe next time… maybe next time.

Maybe.

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